The First Five Days of 2011

2011.

The year has already changed. I looked at everything. Every little thing that I can see.

So then I realized, it seems that everything changed, except for ME! Yes, and I don't like to be numb anymore.

The night we celebrated new year. I promised to myself, in the midst of dancing, shouting and eating, that this will be the time for me to remove my old robe and get up for a new one. A NEW IDENTITY FOR MYSELF.

A notebook. A pen. And the plan is all ready. I knew I am geared up for this year.

I knew I turned paranoidal again. YES. It's on my genes already and that was the date I thought of the hurts I actually had as my lifestyle. And those people who gave me the worst nightmares I could ever dreamt of. REVENGE is the first word that had the chance to enter my mind. REVENGE. REVENGE. REVENGE. Until I came to my senses. Tears suddenly gushed out of my eyes, and I knew what I wanted isn't and will never be right.

I sat back, stared at nothing. For the sake to say I'm emotionally deprived. I ended up nothing.

Looking again at nothing, I saw nothing. I am nothing.

This was the story. No, not a story. A talkshit. As you've been thinking earlier. Deciding on what to do, I faced one of the biggest realities. Reality. I'm tired of facing a lot of realities in the world. Everyone is unique and this is what is unique in me.

I stared at the open window - stared at the empty lot beside our house. I was completely blacked out, until after two minutes, I saw my pen and crumpled paper just some centimeters away from my pen. I backed out.

It wasn't my time. The five days of the year was rough. And it was just the year after 2010.

It's Been a Year, BUCKS

FLASHBACK.

Before November 4, 2009.

I remembered the time where I had this cute textmate. YUP! He's Ronron. We made friends easily, though it is beyond the networking communication. Nevertheless, you can call it friendship. LOL! He says a lot of stories about his life. And I am the his avid fan. Listener. Until one time, he came to tell something about this "pardy" thingy that he has.

Pardy. It's his bestfriend. Name? Adams Angelo Sardez. He's 18 of age, and he lives in Marikina. Ron told me how they actually would share memories together. Bonding times. They were, for bestfriends, great. :)

So then I started to release its weird spores of curiosity. To be honest, I became interested with this Marikina guy and actually searched his friendster account. YEAH! HE'S CUTE. :)) That's all! But then, I know with such boring person like me. Nothing will happen between us.

Desperation drive me to actually search for other textmates and probably, a lover for some groups in friendster. Bang! I got a number. I just got it, texted it. Without looking to the profile of the person who posted his number on that group. Anyway, I already had what I wanted. I got a number.

I asked him. "ASL PLEASE?" And to my surprise, that unknown guy replied. "Adams Angelo Sardez, 18, Marikina, with 3G CP. Ikaw?"

It started there

We built up a kind of friendship, again, over the telecommunication sites. (Oh, thanks to them, by the way!) Out of nowhere, we became bestfriends. Though we actually haven't met. Then I thought we'll be more than friends. Unfortunately, it doesn't end up there.

We've been textmates for about three weeks. Until we decided to meet on November 4.

November 4, 2009

After the enrolment in UP, I immediately went to our meeting place. Pedro Gil. That was about an hour to travel. I decided to take LRT then. I am wearing a violet shirt then with my blue jacket. And I really look disgusting.

7 PM. I arrived. That was actually an hour late. He asked me, "Asan ka na?" I told him that I am already here. Because we are meeting for the first time in our entire lives, as usual. Color of shirt, tall or short - those were the signs a person would ask to identify his eyeball. :o He actually got mad at me since I ain't replying.

We met around 7:30 PM. He's cute and he has his friends together with him. I don't know exactly who are they, but I know one of them is Camille Estabillo. Yeah, I remembered that.

I thought we'll be having date. Unfortunately, he pulled me to this house where I saw four people who looked people who doesn't have any plans for their lives. They were around a table of a pitcher of iced tea and wine (beer, gin, whatever!! :D) that actually gave proof before on the very first impression I had with them. There was this girl who looked like a sex addict, a very huge guy that I thought would spank me,a guy who looked like Indian or Persian and another girl who complements the same character with the first girl, just a little lighter. Yeah, including I and the cute guy. PERIOD!

THE SPELLING OF B.U.C.K.S

Blog. Especially for the BUCKS!!!

BUCKS. A circle of friends. It all started last 2009, when students who were accepted in Adamson University had their first day of classes. They were from a Mass Communication-block section, and bang! There were certain students who jived easily, talked to each other, eat together, went to the mall  together, made themselves comfortable to each other - that was when they feel like starting such group - the BUCKS.

This group actually had extended themselves, reaching their friendship and ties actually to other universities - there's from PNU, UST and even from UP!

What made BUCKS actually special? The dedication of each member to the group is such wonderful. Once a Bucksian will always be a Bucksian. It's a unity - one for all, all for one. Acceptance - check! They are the type of peeople who would accept you for who you are and would not blame you for who you are not. This has been the secret behind the bond between the members - greater than any bonding chemistry and physics had ever explored. To describe it, FUN. FUN.

Through the two years, the friendship and happiness that every Bucksian had never vanished. It is still there, and it never fades. It is the real friendship and solidarity that anyone dreamt of. Yes, they can actually testify for it. 'Sala sa init, sala sa lamig,' as person quote the saying, BUCKS will never get you out whenever you're in need. True. They would never hesitate to lend you a hand, or to give you comfort, and to assure, they're willing to do that.

BUCKS. Oops, that's just an inch of what defines BUCKS. And to say, I am proud to be one of them! Being a Bucksian too is a different experience, and to all the friends that I have from the start, I think this group will really make a mark in me - and I hope being a Bucksian is forever. Right!

That's the end, dear. Thanks for reading.

Best. Undefied. Complex. Known. Spectacular. BUCKS

YES. IT WAS UNTITLED

Times are getting rough for him. It wasn't a different day for him to be one of those stupid persons you will meet - he goes to school, he eats, he talks to his friends, he sleeps, and he talks while he's sleeping.

One thing he forgot is to love.

Nature really has its beauty.

It was, he guessed, six in the evening. Time for dinner. He stood on the corridor of the dormitory and thought of one question only fools think of. He wasn't decided if he is to eat that moment or not. Thanks to his black, LCD-broken cellphone that appears to inherit his unique stupidity, for about 23 phone book contacts, he sent a message asking for such questions. Of course, he didn't expect for a reply, for who will be as foolish as he is to answer suck freaky question.

To his surprise, he discovered a thing - the brain still provides ounces of silliness just to cope up with foolish things like what happened - and there still replied, with exact calculations, only 8.7 percent. With enough math knowledge, compute for the number of persons.

Two messages received. Does it mean there are also two people who care? That is out of the business. He read the message, and he was right. 8.7 percent of 23. Let the drumrolls play. Bang, it was from two persons - they were different. Namedrop? No. Application of mathematics, a brilliant idea. Let the first person be designated as x; second person, y. No mathematical tricks needed to solve for it. Just enough logic is required, and of course, stupidity.

The conversation just went like this. He sent a group message, they replied. He replied, they don't reply anymore. It was confusing that they showed care at least times you needed them, strikes you back and then suddenly will keep you hanging and waiting for some care and love from some simple text message. Is this nonsense? Yes, and he was nonsense.

It was the simplest scenario where he seeks for love and comfort and nobody's actually giving it. Left alone, he waits most of the times and receives nothing - to think of that he is one of those persons who you would know can have enough patience. Four years. For four years, his life actually revolved on a daily dosage of contentment. He was happy when he was contented, and it was his life before. Asking or seeking for love and comfort is never his problem - it is all provided by life's satisfaction.

Whenever he plays Mambo Agogo or Dance Maniax, he is happy because he is satisfied. Whenever he eats something, he is happy because he is satisfied. Foolish. Depending one's happiness based whether you're satisfied or not is never real and will never be real. I will never be foolish, he said.

BUCKS. The group that accepted who Beto really is. Happy with the bucks.

Taking the risk of changing his perspective about life, as well as his own criterion for happiness, he walked from the pedestal of satisfaction to the pedestal of uncertainty. This isn't the thing about x plus/minus change in x, but an uncertainty of one thing - will he be able to find his happiness upon taking such risk?

It has been a while since he finally decided. He'll be going for it. It's the search he's been wanting, longing and needing to do - search for his happiness. He tried discovering different things, and even himself just to find his happiness. Unique. It was the kind of happiness many think that was too rare and really different. For almost a year, happiness remains to be his focus.

He just wanted to be happy. Truly happy. But it was true. Happiness seems to be a stranger. A hypervelocity particle that even gradient aerogels can't capture. More than the speed of light, a jail person who always escapes. Air, water. He can't touch it. He was a total mess.

Mess. Okay. He was able to find some, but not happiness. Read his notes, it says there that when one charge can't attract a charge, it is repelling it. The only thing the he can attract is the opposite of it. Yes, he attracted not silly charges. Sadness. Rejection. Depression. It was all.

History just repeated itself. It was his story four years ago, just with different characters. Tired. It was just I love them, he thought. But why they can never love me back? Hurt. His discovery went to his downfall. Caught in the air, left without any parachute and bangs in the ground. Force? It was the shock. Strain? There really has been changes in his life. He has been strained. Damaged.

Let's say. Blah blah. Never did he expected this thing. It was the second time he tried showing love to the people around him. But it was the nth time he received the worst of it. He never felt any comfort or care. It was he is living on a world constricted by one-way mirrors. He can see them but never will they see him.

He asked himself. Why such be a fool like me take some love and comfort? There was nothing special. Being a geek is never special. Go to his university and you'll find lots. Somehow, regrets come on, and asks why he became so ambitious to change his life, to find happiness, not to be contented with "I am satisfied," that can never be really his forever. He never blamed anyone. Except himself. He was an idiot, a fool, a stupid, a desperate - he is a beggar of love.

It was a hard time for the dog. He fell down, alone. Even this dog needs care.

It takes so much pain that he became traumatic with it. He was afraid of loving again. He was afraid of getting hurt again. He was just afraid of how love can damage him. He decided. I'll quit.

As he puts a metallic myocardium in his heart, he started thinking love as a mere scientific thing - like a radiation, that because of the barriers kept it from flowing out. He wanted to be the guy who was never truly happy, but never sad. He wanted to go back four years ago, when what he was only thinking was his family, studies and a chosen social life.

I was never really meant to be truly happy. I was just meant to be satisfied. He says. Love. Take it all and throw it on a bin. Be contented. It was then his life. It is his life. Forget them all and concentrate on some things. Goal - to be back.

It wasn't a different day for him to be one of those stupid persons you will meet - he goes to school, he eats, he talks to his friends, he sleeps, and he talks while he's sleeping.

But somehow, he's happy that all of these life's burden were trashing out - including love and true happiness he's been searching. It was the end.

Most dangerous three words: I LOVE YOU. If you use it, be sure it's true. It might be a curse.